The Philadelphia Inquirer from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania • Page 34

g-C Friday, June 19, 1987 The Philadelphia Inquirer The fundamentals of raising money in the name of God Things are really bad in the TV fundamentalist business. I didn't know how bad until the Rev. Juniper Tube, the "King of Video Prayers," knocked at my front door and asked for a donation. "Reverend, I didn't expect to see you working door-to-door for contributions." "I'm in Chapter 11 and I need $4 million by Friday or they are going to take my chapel with the Rolls-Royce on top away from me. If you donate $50 a month for life I'll give you this picture postcard of the Holy Mercy Mud Baths in Palm Springs." "I don't believe I want a postcard of mud baths.

Why are you in such dire Then everyone without sin started throwing stones and all our donations dried up." "But Reverend, you did nothing to have your viewers turn against you." "It doesn't matter. One fundamentalist preacher looks like another on TV. We got tarred with the same expense account. In the old days all I had to do was promise parishioners that if they sent in S10 I would wipe out the killer bees in their gardens, and the checks rolled in. I once offered a key chain of our dog.

Babel, riding the merry-go-round in the Noah's Ark amusement park and I raised $5 million in an hour. But you don't see money like that anymore. I would love to get Tammy and Jimmy by their throats and smite them with a sword." "That's no way for a TV man of the cloth to talk." I said. "Remember, when television donations fall off, a man of God must turn the other cheek." "Where did you hear that?" "It was either on Channel 4, 5, 7, 9 or Johnny Carson. I remember it because I was so impressed I sent in $100." "How about giving me $100?" the Reverend said.

"I cant believe you have stooped to asking for a paltry $100 when you are known as the Good Shepherd of Visa cards." "Tammy didn't do me any good either," the Rev. Juniper moaned. "Once they showed the price of her clothes and the size of her closets, people started calling her a greedy Imelda Marcos. I'm desperate. If you dont give me a large contribution right now God is going to call me home." "That's an old Oral Roberts trick," I told him.

"If you want to play with the big boys in the evangelical game you have to come up with something more original." "What If I said I need cash so I can run for president of the United States?" "Pat Robertson beat you to that one. He's got the hell and damnation elec torate all tied up." "Suppose I told you I need the money because Jimmy Swaggert is putting out stories about my one-night stand in Patachello?" "You didn't have a one-night stand in Patachello, did you?" "Of course I didn't But after all the stuff that's been in the papers, people believe every TV minister had a one-night stand in Patachello." "Good point," I said. "Well, I guess there is nothing wrong with giving you a few bucks since you can't get it from TV. What do you intend to do with it?" "I'm going to give it to God as hush money." By ART BUCHWALD I 7 financial straits?" "It all started when the Rev. Jimmy Bakker committed adultery and got kicked out of his PTL empire.

Jerry Falwell took charge from Jimmy and Tammy to prevent Jimmy Swaggert from making a hostile takeover. NEWSMAKERS Building a deck? How to plan it Skeleton still evades Jackson By GENE AUSTIN Doit By W. Speers Inquirer sun Writer Michael Jackson has been rebuffed once again in his attempt to possess the remains of the famed Elephant Man, John Merrick, and now there's another rock star in the bidding. In rejecting Jackson's offer of $1 million, a spokesman for the London Hospital Medical College said Wednesday that, although the offer was tempting and the college was "desperate for research funds," for it to sell the bones would be "quite wrong on ethical grounds." A British news agency said that Jackson was hot for Merrick's skeleton because he has been fashioning a "chamber of horrors" at his Los Angeles home. Not to be outdone, Lisa Velez of the pop group Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam has offered $1.5 million for the bones, yesterday's Washington Post reported.

Her spokeswoman said Velez was "interested in unusual and different items." Eye of newt, anyone? It's a girl Rod Stewart, 42, and his girl Remember when 990 on the AM dial was WIBG and the music was rock? "Wibbage" alumni do, and they plan a record hop at the Spectrum on Oct 17 to mark WIBG's start in 1957. (It's now WZZD.) They are (from left) Hy Lit, Frank X. Feller, Joe Niagara, Bill Wright Sr Jerry Stevens, Dean Tyler and the Spectrum's Rich Rumer. or may not want to try some other home remedies for roaches. Boric-acid powder, sold at some drugstores, is a time-honored roach treatment but should not be used if pets or children can reach it.

The powder is spread thinly in roach-infested areas. Roach sprays, sold in aerosol containers at many supermarkets and home centers, are effective if applied to roach hiding places and travel routes. Roach traps small metal or plastic containers with insecticide inside are also effective. Here's a formula for relatively safe, homemade roach traps: Put some Epsom salts, with a little sugar or cocoa for bait, into small plastic containers with tight lids. Punch several small holes in the containers so roaches can enter and exit and put the containers in strategic spots.

The sharp Epsom-salt crystals are said to be fatal to roaches that pick them up while passing through the traps. Our 12-year-old window air conditioner gives off a faint moldy odor when it operates. We changed the filter, but it didn't help. What else can we do? D. Patterson It's possible the unit is not sloped properly to drain off water that condenses inside as part of the cooling process.

Water allowed to accumulate in the unit could foster mildew or moid and cause the odor. I'd start by unplugging the unit and removing its front panel and filter. Clean the coils behind the filter with a soft brush and detergent solution, rinse and wipe dry. Also clean the rear of the unit with a brush or vacuum. Make sure the front of the unit is about Vi-inch higher than the rear so condensed water will drain properly.

Use a thin piece of wood to shim the front, if necessary. A window air conditioner can be Decks are among the most-popular do-it-yourself projects, and there are several sources of plans and instructions. I want to build a small wood deck. Where can I get information? E. Smallwood Since you specify a small deck, I'll start by suggesting you write for a new leaflet called "Mini-Deck Plans for Small Yards or Mobile and Modular Homes," published by Teco, a manufacturer of structural wood fasteners often used in deck building and other construction.

The leaflet has instructions for building a variety of decks ranging from 4 feet square to 5 feet by 8 feet. I suggest you also get, from the same source, a comprehensive leaflet called "Wood Deck Building Suggestions," which shows how to build decks from 6 feet square to 16 feet by 24 feet, and has many good construction tips. To obtain the Teco leaflets, list the titles and send the request to Teco, 5530 Wisconsin Chevy Chase, Md. 20815. Requests for the leaflets must be accompanied by a self-addressed, business-size envelope with 44 cents postage attached.

Other possible sources of deck plans are home centers and lumber yards. In some cases, these lumber dealers have deck kits that include lumber, fasteners and instructions for building specific sizes of decks. Many do-it-yourself books also contain deck plans. Among good books on the subject are Deck Plans and Decks Patios, both paperback Or-tho Books. Books like these are often sold at home centers and lumber yards as well as at bookstores.

We have roaches in our kitchen even though everything is kept clean. I am allergic to chemicals and am afraid to get an exterminator. We are using purchased roach traps with some success. Any suggestions? R. Greenstein A clean home is a good defense against roaches, but not a guarantee they won't enter or be accidentally brought in.

For example, roaches are sometimes carried into the home in boxes or bags from stores. You should double-check sanitation in the home. Make sure that foods such as sugar, flour and cereals are kept in tight canisters and that no crumbs are left in toasters or breadboxes. Remove trash from the home promptly and don't let dirty dishes accumulate. Also check the kitchen, especially the sink area and baseboard, for cracks where roaches can enter or hide.

Seal such cracks with caulking compound. Because of your allergies, you may Dance With Somebody," also claimed the top spot on this week's singles list. Trailing her album are Motley Crue's Girls, Girls, Girls; U2's The Joshua Tree; Whitesnake's Whitesnake, and Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet. Following Houston on the singles chart are "Head to Toe" by Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam; "In Too Deep" by Genesis; "Alone" by Heart, and "Always" by Atlantic Starr. Home Big-band leader Woody Herman, 74, was released yesterday from Detroit's Sinai Hospital almost three months after being like to have crowds spending the night.

The selling agent denied that AIDS, which killed Hudson, was a factor in the house's slow sale1. For animals' sake Brigitte Bardot's Wednesday night auction in Paris took in almost $600,000 for her animal-protection society, about $100,000 more than anticipated. The more than 100 items included clothes, jewelry and other mementos she has collected since the beginning of her movie career more than 30 years ago. The highest bid was $216,000 for an 8.76-carat diamond given to her by her third husband, Gunther Sachs. The semireclusive Bardot, 52, got a five-minute ovation from the crowd of more than 1,000 when she appeared at the auction wearing a simple black dress, and with her blond hair piled atop her head.

"I gave my youth and my beauty to men," she said, "and now I give my wisdom and experience and the best of myself to animals." Top of the heap Whitney Houston this week becomes the first female singer to place an album at the top of the Billboard chart on the first week of its release. Whitney had an initial shipping of 1.5 million LPs. It's the follow-up to her Whitney Houston, which sold eight million copies, a record for a debut album by a woman. A cut from the new album, "I Wanna friend, Kelly Emberg, 28, had their first child Wednesday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. The still-unnamed girl checked in at 8 pounds, 2 ounces.

Stewart, 42, has two other children, Kimberly, 7, and Sean, 6, by his former wife, Alana Stewart. Real-estate moves Gary Hart has put out the word that he'll entertain offers for the Washington townhouse in which he met with Donna Rice. "It's a very nice, three-story town-house," said real-estate agent Terri Robinson. "Two bedrooms, 2V2 baths, two fireplaces and a garage, as you know." That's the garage Hart and Rice said they slipped out of as staked-out reporters watched another exit. Don't call unless you start talking in the Walter Mondale and his wife, Joan, have purchased an 85-year-old Minneapolis house near the law firm where he will start work in September.

It was listed for $259,000. "It's a simple home," said real-estate agent Polly Ring-dahl. "It's not a pretentious home at all." Rock Hudson's 2.5-acre property, on the market for almost nine months, sold yesterday for $2.89 million to an unidentified buyer who eschews publicity. The broker described the place as having "a jetliner view of all of Los Angeles," the required swimming pool, Jacuzzi, greenhouse, a theater with stage, a six-car garage but only two bedrooms because Hudson did not viT r' given a more thorough cleaning if the case is removed, but this can be dangerous even in unplugged units because electricity can be stored in the capacitor and cause a shock. If the odor continues, I suggest having the unit checked by a professional.

Readers' questions and comments are welcome and should be sent to Gene Austin. The Inquirer. Box 8263. Philadelphia 19101. Questions cannot be answered admitted for treatment of heart and lung disorders.

"He's gone home to Los Angeles to get some rest and hopefully be able to rejoin the band soon," said Herman's manager. Suits him to a A tree surgeon hired by Mr. to haul off more than 100 trees that the TV star chopped down on his suburban Chicago estate defends him against the disapproval of his Lake Forest neighbors. "He was right in taking down those trees," said Roger O'Mary. "They were full of carpenter ants and half-rotted." He also pointed out that the tree cover had been so thick no sunlight hit the estate, and that 40 trees were left standing.

Chimed in "My neighbors are all jealous because my lot is bigger than theirs. I suppose if they weren't upset with Ithe they'd be upset because I drive a red Rolls-Royce." The Associated Press and United Press International contributed to this report. On health By Gabe Mirkin Associated Pr IS Brigitte Bardot with auctioneer Jacques Tajan. Peopletalk By Richard Johnson stretch in your calf muscles. Stop if you feel pain.

Count to 10, then slowly push yourself up and relax. Do this exercise 15 times with your knees bent, 15 times with your knees straight but not locked. Pve read that taking chromium supplements will control blood-sugar levels and increase energy. Do you agree? There is no evidence that chromium supplements will lower a high blood-sugar level unless it is caused by a chromium deficiency. That is extremely unlikely, because chromium deficiency rarely occurs in healthy people.

You can get all the chromium you need by eating seafood, meat chicken, liver, egg yolks, whole grains, fruit and vegetables. The only diet that is low in chromium is one that is extremely high in sugar, fat and alcohol and low in nutrients. Suggestions that chromium supplements may control high blood sugar are based on the fact that if you don't have enough chromium, your body will not respond adequately to insulin, which clears unneeded sugar from the bloodstream. In that unlikely case, taking chromium supplements may resolve the problem. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night with a painful cramp in my leg.

What do you recommend? Cramping during sleep is usually due to an exaggeration of a normal muscle reflex. When you turn in your sleep, you contract your muscles. This contraction stretches the tendons attached to the muscles. Tendons contain nerve receptors that are stimulated by the stretch and send a message to the spinal cord. This signal is bounced back to the muscle and can make the muscle contract further.

The muscle sometimes stays contracted, producing a painful cramp. Nighttime muscle cramps also can be caused by a pinched nerve, partly obstructed flow of blood to the legs or an abnormal mineral or hormone level. These are serious problems and must be handled by your doctor. If you do not have a serious health problem, you may be able to prevent your cramps by exhausting the stretch reflex before you go to bed. For example, if your cramps are in your lower legs, you should stretch the calf muscles.

Here's how: Stand four feet from a wall, facing it Place both hands on the wall at shoulder height. Keeping your heels on the ground, slowly bend your elbows so that you lean your upper body close to the wall You will feel the France to seek relief from the Donna Rice saga. But Hart and his wife, Lee, will stay in Colorado. Mike Medevoy, an executive at Orion Pictures who has known Gary and Lee for more than 10 years, rented British filmmaker Tony Richardson's spread outside of St. Tropez.

The arrangements for Hart even Included the yacht of millionaire film producer Dodi Fayed. But Hart aide Billy Short tells us: "I talked to Gary and be said he wasn't going. He was invited by Medevoy, but turned him down." That big guy Andre the Giant is a big spender, too. The French wrestler really enjoys handing out cash he earns for battling the likes of Hulk Hogan. For instance, the other night at Cafe Versailles, he sent three $190 bottles of champagne backstage to the showgirls.

Then, because he enjoys dancing, too, the 570-pound, 7-foot-4-inch Andre escorted a young lady to the dance floor. Lucky for her that he didn't step on her petite feet. Andre wears a size 21 shoe. The pulchritudinous Carol Alt and her pro-hockey-playing hus Erika Cosby is having more trouble squeezing a degree out of Wesleyan University than did her famous pop. Bill, who early this month gave a commencement address at the Connecticut school and collected an honorary degree in the process.

Erika is officially two credits short of completing degree requirements, but campus scuttlebutt has it that she lacks even more. What's more, the Cos had to pull rank to get Erika permission to "walk through" the graduation exercises, because she has accumulated $400 of campus parking tickets. band, Ron Greschner, are for hire. They have just signed a licensing, merchandising and endorsement agreement with Viacom Enterprises. "We want to put them with really top-of-the-Iine fashion, sporting and electronic goods," says a Viacom spokeswoman.

Carol is in Italy shooting a feature, titled The Forty Years, in which she must age considerably before the last reel. Ranger Ron is about to head to upstate New York to his summer hockey camp for kids. One of Gary Hart's best buddies invited him to go to the south of Inquirer New Var Tims Syndicate See- I 200 Par Mm Ter. lOleS. How to stop this mind-menacing multitude of magazine mail? Dear Ann Landers: I am at my wits' fused and didn't order.

fices of all these magazines and said will be at work solving the problem, dered merchandise, write to the end and dont know where to turn. By ANN LANDERS I have called some toll-free num- the same thing: "I did not order your According to Jeff (we got on a first- reau of Consumer Protection, Fe4 I hope my letter isn't so long that nun i bers to complain, explained the situ- magazine. Please send me a copy of name basis at once) there is a federal era! Trade Commission, Washington, name basis at once) there is a federal eral Trade Commission, Washington, law (Section 3009, Title 39 of the VS. the original order which I was sup ation and was told they would "get C. 20580.

you will stop reading, but I feel that I My thanks to Postmaster Tisch and Jeff for saving Mrs. M.LG.t sanity. Dear Ann Landers: Settle a bet: Is the tomato a fruit or a berry? My $50 says it is a fruit. Harry in New Haven Dear Harry: It's a standoff. The tomato is a fruit and also a berry because it grows on a vine.

busy on it. A week would pass and I'd get four more magazines. I have even received some duplicates one at my old address and one at my cousin's place Every day when I come home from work there is another magazine or a bill. Today I received a card from Road Track saying they received the magazine I had sent back and will be sending me another one at my "new address." I am ready to scream. I have written to the business of Code) that prohibits shipment of unordered merchandise.

This constitutes an unfair trade practice. A person who receives unordered merchandise may treat it as a gift. He his the right to use it, discard it or dispose of it in any manner he sees fit He is nnder no obligation whatever to the sender. The sender may not pester him for payment If he does, he is in violation of yet another law. If any of yon out there should find yourselves the recipients of nnor- must tell you the whole story.

I sold my home in August and have been staying with my cousin. Since I have been here I have received at least 20 magazines that I did not order. Some of the titles are: Economist. Organic Gardening, Financial World. Consumers Digest.

Newsweek. Road Track, New Yorker. Time. McGraw Hill Book Co, Practical Management Inc, Hockey News. Consumer Reports, Business Week, Europe and others.

Some maeazires are addressed to posed to have signed but didnt. No response. I am afraid that the magazine people will turn my name over to a collections agency and my credit will be ruined. Then 111 have to fight with them. Please.

Ann Landers, save my sanity and tell me how to put an end to this ongoing nightmare. Mrs. Washington. Pa Dear Mr. M.I.Gj I went right to the top Postmaster General Preston Tisch.

By the time yon read this, one of his chief honchot, Jeff Kaneff, I me at my cousin's home and others were forwarded from my previous address. The mailman told me to write to the postmaster of this city. I did, but heard nothing. I have also put several magazines back in the mailbox and written across them re IM-V k-xlt Ho. What mt Wnee te Vow CM Meet W.

row cow WW toae te Ann lender. The in, aawei Aee IliU. Owes. 011 -04J..